You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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