hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
