I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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