It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I could fuck to npr.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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