something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
