Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
