My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
