mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
