When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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