my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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