You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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