The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
