God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
