I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
