Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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