I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
