Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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