Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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