i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
ttyl tear gas
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
