I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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