i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
