***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
