my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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