Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize