Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this boner is exhausting
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
