youre lurking in front of me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
