Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When are your genitals available?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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