Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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