You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
