My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
