Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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