do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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