I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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