how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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