You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
