found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
