peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
