you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
