Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
