I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
