i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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