Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
