I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
