foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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