I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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