I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
This couple is walking their pig around campus
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
