I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A bitchslap is in order.
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