I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
