I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
