just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
