I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
