he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
