I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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